remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
