I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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