He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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