dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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