In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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