I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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