mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
