that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I will pee on everything he values.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
