I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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