is your mom at the bar?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
