no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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