if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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