there's paper in my vomit.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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