I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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