are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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