when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
