I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
