Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I need water and some morals
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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