Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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