just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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