Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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