These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
