you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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