so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She bit a glass in half.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
