Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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