Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
