it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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