I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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