Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
