i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
