she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
