I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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