Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
