"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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