i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
