I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
