well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
