Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
