all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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