Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
