There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
