eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
