Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
