Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
