Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
