I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
