you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
