I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
