If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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