She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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